ST. LOUIS (KMOV.com) — St. Louis is one of the numerous cities competing for Amazon’s second headquarters and the billions of dollars of investment and up to 50,000 jobs that some say will come with it.
Search Amazon HQ2 online and there’s no shortage of competition; cities from Toledo to Tuscon and just about every city in between are working to win the Amazon sweepstakes.
Does the St. Louis region have a shot? The New York Times doesn’t think so – their money is on Denver.
The Brookings Institute based in Washington, D.C. doesn’t put us in the top 20 contenders. But, on paper St. Louis appears to meet the criteria Amazon wants.
The article goes on to explain Amazon’s criterion for a potential HQ2 city and how St. Louis’ attributes correlate. I don’t think Amazon knows what they really want so I am going to tell them.
“I will tell her what her needs are and fill them”
– Dwight Schrute
Here are the REAL reasons why Amazon should come to St. Louis:
St. Louis Residents Have Euphoric Sex
As I mentioned in my article, St. Louis Back on Top as STD Capital of America, St. Louis is #1 in STDs, but really all that means is we have the most unprotected sex, which is the best kind of sex. I would rather die due to complications from having 10 different STDs than to die of old age as a sad desolate virgin, or God forbid wear a condom. Do you think those safe-sex-having losers in Toledo or Tuscan have astronomical STD numbers? No chance. Also for those of you that have not read the article, it’s 110% conclusive based on several (or possibly only one minor study), that unprotected sex boosts mental health, ultimately making for better, smarter, happier, and healthier Amazon employees. Just remember folks, you can’t spell Amazon without ‘a moan’.
No Football Team
If you work at Amazon you’re probably a nerd. And guess what? Nerds hate football. They hate physical contact of any kind. Nerds don’t want anything to do with the NFL and their mass CTE production. The only reason Amazon condones the Seahawks in Seattle is because Russell Wilson has a new smart water that incontrovertibly stops CTE. As most of you know moron Stan Kroenke was given billions of unearned dollars, all because he boned the co-founder of Walmart’s daughter. He then used said money to purchase the Rams and subsequently expedite them to the booming football market of Los Angeles. I am a bit of a conspiratorialist and here’s a quick tidbit for you readers… The Rams moved to St. Louis in 1995 which is the same year that Amazon was launched. Now the Rams are gone and coincidentally Amazon announced the need for a second home? Interesting.
We Produce Beer & Dog Food Here
Hey Jeff Bezos, if you want to be nationally disliked just say you hate beer & dogs. That is exactly what you will be saying if you go literally anywhere else with HQ2. Here in St. Louis we mass produce the one nutritionally correct form of sustenance to keep dogs alive and America’s top-selling beer. I am of course referring to Purina and Anheuser-Busch. I defy you to choose Denver, dog-murderer.
We Have Arguably the Best Chess Club in the World
Let me explain. According to Chess.com, St. Louis is the #2 chess city in the world, second only to Moscow, Russia. We’re coming for you, Putin! Chess clubs are a breeding ground for nerds and smart people. You want to recruit top talent for your tech company? Walk into a fucking chess club.
Hyper-Segregation & Polarization
Speaking of chess, St. Louis looks like a chess board when you racially map it out. Jeff Bezos could fix one of the most racially segregated and high tension cities in America. If he wants to be the savior for social and economic change in our country he will move to St. Louis. If not, he basically condones racism. I can’t explain how Amazon’s presence will fix this problem, I just know that it will.
We have 70,000 Bosnians to Choose From
The Bosnians are trustworthy and kind people. They are hard-working, tenaciously vengeful from the war, and check off the diversity box. All that right here in your back yard! No relocation bonuses needed!
Highest U.S. Murder Rate Per Capita
This ultimately will go down with Amazon. I don’t need proof or studies, it just will… like the aforementioned segregation. Amazon will be nationally recognized for saving lives by moving here. If Jeff Bezos doesn’t want to heroically place their second location here and be part of the solution then he is essentially a murderer and just as bad as the real murderers.
Great History of Success with Large Happenings
People have said that the 1904 summer Olympics that St. Louis hosted went really well.
According to the latest bill purposed by the 15th ward, St. Louis is looking to decriminalize Malboro Greens and make God’s most noble earthly creation legal. All of the existing Seattle employees have probably already acclimatized themselves to the luxury of legal ganja. I’m sure it is an Amazon core value at this point. I heard they actually drug test candidates before hire to verify that they are smoking weed. If this new bill passes, it would allow for use, sale and growth of marijuana in St. Louis and can only further aid our bid for the billion dollar tech company.
Everyone Deserves a Second Chance
Folks I know, I know, we fucked up on the Dred Scott case. But everyone should get a second chance. That was like 150 years ago; we’ve changed and can’t be held accountable for our past unless it’s for a good thing like the 1904 Olympics.
Great Use of Sales Tax
This is in honor of one of Amazon’s past controversies of collecting sales taxes (or alleged lack thereof). Basically everyone’s taxes in St. Louis just go to the zoo as far as I know. Everyone hates paying taxes but what if you knew your hard-earned money was going towards nurturing cute baby King Penguins? Or to buy a new North American River Otter? Or to pay a diligent blue-collar citizen to pick up monkey shit? What a great place to pay taxes, Amazon!
Because Joe Buck Says So
Despite my antipathy for nepotism, which is the only reason Joe Buck has a goddamn job, he is right. Life is easy here. At least it is if you are white and rich. Which the majority of Amazon employees probably would be.
“Life is easy”
-Joe Buck, Sports Announcer & White Guy Born Into Money
I wish I would have written this in time to include a hard copy with St. Louis’ official bid to Amazon but I’d rather take the website traffic visits… numbers are seemingly low.
Regardless I think I have encapsulated into words the best characteristics and elements of our city that most people and companies overlook. We are rampant sex-having chess-playing murdering racists who hate Roger Goodell and like to smoke pot and drink beer… something like that. If that doesn’t sound like a great place to expand your wildly successful company then good luck burning your corporation to the ground.