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St. Louis Back on Top as STD Capital of America

From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch…

For a couple of weeks, Etowah County, Ala., had the nation’s highest rates of sexually transmitted diseases by a country mile. It was the first time in more than a decade that St. Louis wasn’t ranked at the top for chlamydia and gonorrhea.

Turns out it was a mistake.

The Alabama Department of Public Health released updated, much lower numbers that knock Etowah County out of the top slot, returning St. Louis to the top ranking.    


There were more than 15,500 chlamydia infections diagnosed in the St. Louis region last year, up by 500 cases over 2015. There were 6,558 cases of gonorrhea, an increase of about 1,300 cases. Syphilis numbers went up from 417 to 528.

Congrats on the sex, St. Louis.

Essentially what this means is that our citizens fornicate more than anywhere else in the country per capita. I am currently working on a piece about why Amazon should bring it’s HQ2 to St. Louis and this will surely be mentioned. I will also be tweeting this to Jeff Bezos.

Sex is great. We have a lot of it… and unprotected! No one likes condoms! They don’t feel good for anyone involved. If you want to have amazing pure unadulterated condomless sex, Meet me in St. Louis. Pretty sure that was what that movie was about… It is classified as a Drama which is odd considering how much Action those Smith daughters were getting. Judy Garland probably had chlamydia, gonorrhea, pubic lice, syphilis and every other curable sexual disease you can think of four times over (may she rest in peace).

Most media outlets are characterizing this #1 ranking as a bad thing but since when is being #1 at literally anything bad? It’s always good to be the best. I bet Etowah County is out there fucking anything and everything in an attempt to reclaim their wrongful title as the best at having unprotected intercourse.

Live look at Etowah County:

Also, some studies (or at least one for sure that I could find) actually show that unprotected sex is better for mental health. In one (possibly the only) study, Professor Stuart Brody of the University of the West of Scotland in Paisley (very prestigious, probably) demonstrated this based on findings from surveying 111 Portuguese men and 99 women. He did so by simply asking about their sex lives and state of mind, so you know that it’s accurate and conclusive. So for all you Judge Judies out there criticizing this behavior, really you have no idea on the facts! You’re probably all mentally deranged from all the safe sex you’re having.


“The most common sexually transmitted disease… is ignorance.”

– Andy Bernard