I just found out that Pablo Picasso died in 1973 and it blew my goddamn mind. If you had asked me I would’ve said like 1654.
— Trent (@BarstoolTrent) February 19, 2018
Well spit in my ass and call me Larry. 1973? This is legitimately mind-blowing… Even more so than when I found out that Duck Hunt was actually a two player game (did you know a controller in port 2 controls the ducks?)
I think most of us can agree with Trent here and would have assumed Picasso died an astronomical number of years ago along with all his other famous painter buddies. Vincent van Gogh? Croaked in 1890. Leonardo da Vinci? That guy fucked off in 1519. Raphael bit the dust in 1520. Michelangelo stopped sculpting tiny penises back in 1564. Donatello? 1466 for fuck’s sake… And now I am just naming Ninja Turtles. If only Picasso had died a little earlier he could have been forever remembered as a crime-fighting sewer-turtle fueled by steroid flavored pizza.
Sidenote, while I was google searching famous painters I found some guy named Gustav Klimt… Will Ferrell’s next biopic?
So this tweet took over the internet for a short while… Trent’s best work. I and many others have always thought of Picasso as a ghost of art history’s past, existing before we had founded all 50 states. I suppose I could understand him being closer to our time than the days of Sir Francis Drake circumnavigating the world, but 1973? No fucking way. My dad was having sex with random girls in college while Pablo Picasso was still breathing. That is baffling. It led me to think what else was going on while Picasso was still alive? What amazing inventions and pop culture did he get to enjoy? Let’s take a dive into the early 70’s to see what Picasso was able to experience as a member of our time:
- Atari released the first ever video game, Pong: I can just picture Picasso yanking on that joystick frivolously with his wrinkly old hands, laughing in a rage of joy from the simple concept of hitting a ball back and forth with digital paddles. Such fun!
- HBO was launched: I have no idea what HBO was like in 1973 but my dumb brain just visualizes Pablo Picasso sitting there watching Game of Thrones with Spanish captions. That incestuous horny old fuck.
- The first mobile phone was invented: It may have taken Pablo 10 hours to charge for only 30 minutes of talk time, but it was worth it to wheel his chair 10 feet from the kitchen out onto the back porch to talk to his many known mistresses so his wife Jacqueline could not hear their adulterous dirty talk.
- Monday Night Football had it’s first ever broadcast: Jon Gruden was only 7 years old and Al Michaels was taking small roles in Hawaii Five-O. It was Howard Cosell doing color commentary with a dart in his mouth. What an amazing time to be alive.
- Nike sneakers were already being produced: Pablo’s shoe size was only 6.5. But you know what they say about small feet? Small dick. No twist joke. He probably had a small dick.
- Floppy Disks invented: I must have just wasted 15 minutes trying to transition into floppy disk with a dick joke. It’s there somewhere. I am not the Picasso of blogging.
- FedEx launched: Pablo used to send a package just like the rest of us in today’s world, through FedEx. I heard his package was really small though. Small dick. Get it?
- The Price is Right with Bob Barker premiered: Picasso was no different than me as a kid, I bet he too used to yodel along with ‘Cliff Hangers’ and call the lady who bid $1 on contestant’s row a treacherous bitch.
- Disney World opened its doors: Interesting fact about Picasso is that he had 4 children with 3 different women. What a goofy family vacation that was!
This information may take a while to process. I realize that Picasso was like 90 years old and on his death bed in the 70’s, not yelling at Bob Barker through his TV or playing pick-up basketball in a pair of low-cut nylon Nike Blazers. But for some reason all I can picture now is him lying on my high school bedroom floor listening to a Led Zeppelin album with huge stereo headphones smoking a joint while staring at the ceiling. What a crazy revelation. Best takeaway here is if you ever find yourself with someone and there’s an awkward silence, just pull out “did you know Pablo Picasso died in 1973?”