Being a transplant and a former transient, many people ask why I ended up in St. Louis and have decided to live here permanently. I will tell you why. The crime. It’s simply amazing. We have far and away the funniest crime I’ve ever encountered. That includes the funniest-looking people committing those crimes.
So I’ve decided to concoct a new segment: Guess That Crime! I’ve taken all the March mugshots from St. Louis and based solely on their appearance, I am going to try and guess what their crime was. I will then check my answers and reveal what they actually did.
They say never judge a book by a cover, well I only judge books by their covers which is why I’ve only read Goosebumps and Animorphs books. Well I didn’t actually read them, but I bought them because the covers are fucking awesome. Regardless, let me preface in saying that I am very wrong on a lot of these, and incredibly spot-on on others.
Antoinette and Antoine Dorsey
My Guess: First off, how lazy are the parents who named this gruesome twosome. They probably spent weeks finding the perfect name for their first born son, Antoine, then they realized raising a child stinks and when they unintentionally had their second offspring and it was a girl, without effort they just said fuck it, let’s call her Antoine…tte. But when it comes to anything, even crime, it’s always good to see siblings stick together. The black Hansel and Gretel here strike me as a pretty vicious pair. I’m going with trying to rob a Rally’s drive-thru cashier at three in the morning.
Actual Crime: These siblings from St. Louis are accused of faking interest in a used car in St. Louis, taking a test drive and then carjacking the salesman.
My Guess: I see a dozen of these ragamuffins every time I go out in Soulard. This kid’s middle name is Misdemeanor. I’m going with public urination, public intoxication and failure to obey lawful order.
Actual Crime: Charged with murder after allegedly stabbing his father and then knocking on the door at a nearby police station to confess.
My Guess: Who knew Cleveland from Family Guy was based off of a real person. I am pretty sure this guy runs the karaoke nights at Carson’s Sports Pub but let’s not bring his profession into it. Based on that leather jacket I’m going with drug trafficking and distribution.
Actual Crime: Charged with statutory rape and statutory sodomy in St. Louis.
My Guess: Can ghouls be charged with rape? I’m going to guess he raped and consumed the human flesh of those who wronged him in life before his untimely death.
Actual Crime: Charged with murder in the shooting death of Christopher Austin, 27. Austin was found dead from gunshot wounds in Wildwood on March 25, 2018.
My Guess: This virgin looks like a jerk. It’s 2018, I’m going with cyber-bullying.
Actual Crime: Charged with making a terrorist threat after Northwest High School was evacuated on Wednesday, March 21, 2018.
My Guess: Can’t imagine what this guy’s in for. He looks harmless. Maybe an overdue library fee? He probably had to return the book late because he can only read with one eye. You try reading Grapes of Wrath in two weeks with one eye. Cut him a break! But actually, let’s go with domestic violence. He threw the first punch at his girlfriend who then proceeded to beat the shit out of him.
Actual Crime: Charged with assault and other crimes after a scuffle with officers who tried to arrest him on an outstanding warrants. Both he and an officer ended up with broken bones.
Charles F. Laden
My Guess: I mean… this guy definitely raped somebody right? I want to be funny here but there’s no way he didn’t rape someone. Rape. I’m going with rape. All kinds of rape.
Actual Crime: Pleaded guilty to statutory rape involving a girl who rode the school bus he drove.
My Guess: How menacing can a guy named Cornelius be? Especially one who’s wearing a polo that looks like fruit-striped gum. I think this might have been a wrong place at the wrong time situation. I’m going with stalking, but on a pure misunderstanding.
Actual Crime: Charged in St. Charles County with the statutory rape and sodomy of an 11-year-old girl, who police say became pregnant with his child.
David F. Mendelson Jr.
My Guess: This pedophillic Larry David really creeps me out. He almost looks happy to be detained. And did he comb his hair with salad tongs that morning? I’m guessing this failed scientist was charged with indecent exposure.
Actual Crime: A former teacher in the Webster Groves School District, was charged with having sexual contact with a student.
My Guess: The only crime Davontay committed that I know for certain, is wasting those beautiful olive eyes behind bars. Whatever he did, it caused him a trip to the worst hospital in America. Look at that bandage job and state-of-the-art arm sling. I reckon assault and battery.
Actual Crime: Sentenced to 12 years in prison for murder as part of a plea deal with prosecutors.
My Guess: Some people just look stupid… As in unintelligent. Whatever crime this guy committed, I would bet a decent sum of money that he didn’t know it was a crime, regardless of how blatantly illegal it was. But maybe I’m judging the book by it’s cover again and this guy is actually a borderline genius who just uncharacteristically slipped up on what he thought was a flawless criminal operation such as wire fraud or a pyramid scheme… Nope, he’s super dumb. I’m going with vandalism.
Actual Crime: Charged in a robbery in January 2018 at the DeBaliviere MetroLink stop.
My Guess: This one’s easy. This guy looks like the quintessential D1 college basketball player who looks 10 years older than everyone else on the floor. Therefore, my conjecture is forgery and falsifying documents. He forged his birth certificate at age 28 so he could go back and play high school basketball to try and earn a college scholarship.
Actual Crime: Charged with sodomy, armed criminal action and burglary after St. Louis County police say he sexually assaulted an 18-year-old University of Missouri-St. Louis student inside an on-campus apartment.
Frankie W. Hook
My Guess: Unequivocally, Frankie Chrome Dome here has buttfucked a farm animal at least once in his lifetime. Let’s go with bestiality and sexual assault of an animal.
Actual Crime: Charged with fleeing police after leading officers on a chase through Metro East streets and fields, authorities said.
My Guess: Theft and grand larceny… of SOULS.
Actual Crime: A St. Louis County Police officer, in a booking photo taken in July 2017 following his arrest by Franklin County deputies on suspicion of DWI. Missouri Highway Patrol troopers arrested him on suspicion of DWI on March 17, 2018, and he resigned two days later.
My Guess: Easy theory here is that Jason’s meth lab blew up – you can even see the burn marks on the right side of his face and shoulder. But then I saw his tattoo, grey tank and goatee and changed my mind. I’m going with a classic hate crime.
Actual Crime: Charged with assaulting a Warren County deputy.
My Guess: White Uncle Phil here looks pretty pervy, but he is also wearing a white collar. One of the tougher mugshots to depict thus far. Another factor is John’s ostensible large figure… I am going to go with espionage. He owns a bakery and used illegal counterintelligence to obtain ingredients from a competitor’s kitchen.
Actual Crime: A lawyer in the St. Louis County Counselor’s office, was charged with making a terrorist threat at his workplace.
My Guess: Well first, let’s take a break from Guess That Crime! to play everyone’s second-favorite game, Guy or Girl? The camera cuts off where the boobies might be. Just kidding, I know that is a guy. Kelly looks homely and friendly, let’s go with harboring a fugitive.
Actual Crime: Charged in January 2017 with child endangerment in the death of an infant boy from falling on him at her home. She was given probation.
Lou Ann Sowell
My Guess: Yucky. Lou Ann makes my penis soft. But not everyone’s standards are as high as mine… Let’s say prostitution and sex trafficking.
Actual Crime: A former legal secretary, was accused of embezzling from the St. Charles law firm that employed her.
Marcus J. Thornton
My Guess: While a slightly specific theory here, I think Marcus was arrested for trying to sneak onto the floor as a player for the Memphis Grizzlies in their pre-season game played here in St. Louis.
Actual Crime: Pleaded guilty to two federal charges of bank robbery.
Michael Jerome Scott
My Guess: With the name Michael Scott and a Reptar shirt there must have been a huge misunderstanding with this oversized teddy bear. This guy looks very remorseful and is ready to cry like the giant-looking baby that he is… Just a kid at heart. I bet it was kidnapping of a child… but he was just trying to find a friend to play with.
Actual Crime: Charged with assault after allegedly stabbing an acquaintance in the face. The victim survived.
My Guess: I don’t know much about Mozzio but his head looks like he wears a size 18 shoe. I’m arbitrarily going with domestic violence because it hasn’t graced the list yet.
Actual Crime: Charged with robbing a woman at gunpoint on the front porch of her Central West End home.
My Guess: Yikes. What an interesting creature. Her posture makes it look like she just swallowed a Goodyear tire. No way it’s for prostitution. The lowliest and horniest vermin in existence wouldn’t pay for Nicole’s company. If those googly-eyes tell me anything, it’s that this is an exemplary case of meth use. Show me meth!
Actual Crime: Charged with reckless homicide in the death of her toddler son, who she allegedly hit with her vehicle while under the influence of meth.
Paul H. Borroni
My Guess: Glad to see Hannibal Lector is back behind bars. Cannibalism. Final answer.
Actual Crime: Recently released after serving time in a Missouri prison for murder, robbed a Clayton bar and then asked the bartender to call police, apparently so he could go back behind bars.
Raymond Seay, Courtney Brown and Paris-John Devine
My Guess: Get a load of Huey, Dewey and Louie. The hallucinogens are clearly kicking in right there at the precinct for the guy in the middle. I don’t want this article to come off as me being prejudicial or stereotypical, so let’s go a little different on this theory. These guys are associates at a Clayton investment firm. They are being locked up for securities fraud and misleading the shareholders.
Actual Crime: Charged with murder after police say they and a fourth man ransacked a home in Jefferson County. One of the burglars fired a shot when the resident came home, but hit one of their accomplices, Ramone Thomas, who was killed. Federal charges were later added against the men.
Robert E. Britt
My Guess: Say hello to the most curmudgeon old man who ever lived. My guess is that Robert E. Lee here went to jail for beating up a Korean kid who stepped on his lawn.
Actual Crime: Charged with stabbing his wife to death. He was later deemed mentally unfit to stand trial.
Robert D. Cook
My Guess: With that face, he should be charged with disturbing the peace every time he walks outside. In terms of actual actionable crimes, his refined and svelte cheekbones signify gratuitous drug use. I am humbly guessing possession of narcotics.
Actual Crime: Charged with attacking and kidnapping a woman in a South County Kmart parking lot in September 2017.
My Guess: Jesus Christ… Robbery. Rape. Murder. Many stabbings. Homicide. Manslaughter. All the above. Everything.
Actual Crime: Charged with rape or attempted rape, assault and other crimes after he allegedly sexually assaulted a woman and then shot her in his home near Overland. Police believe there may be more victims.
My Guess: Either somebody turned the saturation all the way up on this mugshot image or Wesley Snipes has a long lost son. Based on his bandaged head and unbuttoned bro-flannel I’m going with bar fight.
Actual Crime: Charged with one felony count of aggravated battery of a transit security officer on a MetroLink train in Illinois.
My Guess: If your glasses are tinted an obscure color you have a 75% chance of being a pervert. That goes for you too, Bono. This guy’s thin, tight lips make me cringe. He even has a sexual predator’s name… Stewart Stillman. Child pornography, all the way.
Actual Crime: A bail bondsman from St. Louis County, was sentenced to prison for a federal charge of receipt of child porn after allegedly planning to meet a 14-year-old girl for a sex act. The “girl” turned out to be an undercover officer.
My Guess: Can you imagine this guy trying to find a pair of glasses that fit? Sorry buddy, but they don’t make pairs with one lens higher than the other. This guy looks unstable at best. I’m going with public intoxication and disorderly conduct.
Actual Crime: Faces one count of third-degree child molestation and three counts of statutory sodomy in the abuse of a 13-year-old girl.
My Guess: This guy looks and sounds like a character straight out of a Dave Chappelle skit. Willie Washington? You couldn’t write a funnier name for a criminal. All he’s missing is a fucking toothpick hanging out his mouth. He definitely looks murderous though… I’m going murder… in the first degree.
Actual Crime: Charged after allegedly hitting an off-duty police officer with a van, then fleeing.
Heather McDorman and Zachary Hamby
My Guess: Well the different last names are throwing me off because I would have bet the farm on this crime being incest. My fallback guess is kidnapping and false imprisonment. Zachary’s sperm is infertile so they stole a child and locked it in the basement to raise as their own.
Actual Crime: Accused of photographing young girls in bathroom stalls at stores, malls and churches in the St. Louis area, and sexually abusing a 4-year-old boy.
Michael Thomas Weathers
My Guess: Theft and resale of fake rolexes.
Actual Crime: Accused of raping a girl under the age of 12.
There you have it… My batting percentage was actually pretty good. A lot of radical misdirections however. There were some pretty somber moments, so thanks for making it to the end. Main takeaway? If they look like a pervert, odds are good that they are in fact, a pervert. Do I feel bad berating these people publicly? Fuck no, these are terrible people. The least they deserve is a third-rate local blogger making fun of them. Rott in hell, miscreants.
Also, I may have to enter into the Witness Protection Program after this goes live. Good thing I can blog from anywhere.